Current data on ministry burnout are staggering. Research suggests that over 40% of those in vocational ministry, across denominations, have considered leaving the pastorate in the previous year. The rates are even higher among younger church leadership, where forty-six percent (yes, you read that right: 46%!) of those younger than 45 years old have considered leaving (Barna Research Institute, as cited in TH Warren’s NYT article on August 28, 2022).
Reasons for post-pandemic ministry burnout are manifold. On the one hand, the pandemic increased work demands on already taxed care-giving professions, including vocational ministry. Pastors may only now be able to start the work of emotionally unpacking the complex trauma that they collectively, yet uniquely, experienced during the pandemic. The cost of empathic caregiving during the pandemic was truly enough to put the “vicar” in “vicarious trauma.” Next, ministers faced the new and ever-changing demands of technological adaptations made necessary by social distancing… “zoom church,” etc. (Warren, 2022). Add to these mounting stressors a political climate of divisiveness, and it is quite possible that some pastors may be experiencing signs of a complex trauma that is more commonly attributable to an unrelentingly and inescapably painful upbringing.
By now, pastors may be utterly emotionally depleted from an overactive sympathetic nervous system, with their amygdalas and adrenal grands running in hyper-mode. At this point, some pastors are likely not feeling enough refreshment or renewal to help equip them to regularly face one of the greatest stressors in ministry: “challenging personalities.” Let’s face it: While people are the very best part of ministry. they can also be the hardest part of ministry, too. Managing difficult personalities in ministry is, perhaps, not as “manageable” as it once was, when we’re already running on empty. And there are always “difficult personalities” to manage in ministry, no matter how full –or empty– our proverbial tank may be.
As knowledge is power, and a key to having a sense of agency, it’s important to review the phenomenon of disordered personalities within the church. Once personality disorders are described more generally, we’ll delve into greater depth on 3 kinds of disordered personality types, in particular. that can wreak the most havoc within congregational life.
So, “What is a personality disorder?” you may be asking yourself. “Personality disorders” are outlined in the DSM-5, the manual used by psychologists and psychiatrists to categorize and describe different psychological disturbances that can affect us. Personality disorders are characterized by persistent and rigidly held patterns in personality that create marked distress in either the individal, themselves, or in the relationships that they hold– that is, unbending personality tendencies that create deep troubles in one’s personal, professional, or social lives. (Keep in mind, diagnoses of personality disorders are generally reserved for adults, who have had a chance to develop fully.)
There are three kinds of disordered personality configurations, specifically, that form a cluster, according to the DSM-5, comprised of similar and overlapping traits that fall on a continuum from really mild to severe. The cluster of personality disorders that generate the greatest disruption within congregations or polity life arguably is “Cluster B.” To put it plainly, “Cluster B” basically creates a cluster-eff within congregational life.
Among Cluster B are Narcissistic personality disorder (NPD), Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), and Antisocial personality disorder. (Note that “antisocial” is different than being “asocial”– antisocial, rather, suggests sociopathy. Whereas asocial tendencies might make you want to decline attending a dinner party, antisocial tendencies might tempt you to murder its guests for the novelty of it.)
In layman’s terms, for church settings, these disorders can be referred to as “BIG personalities” (NPD); “boundary-pushing parishioners” (BPD); and “preying” personalities (Antisocial PD; whose exploitive predatory behaviors necessitate a hard-lined protection for the flock.)
Generally speaking, disorders of personality can affect the way people think– the way that they intepret or perceive themselves, others, or events going on around them. And personality disorders can impact people’s mood– intensity, range, appropriateness to the occasion, and stability/swing. Next, personality disroders can negatively impact relationships (both toward themselves and others). Disordered personality can affect impulse control.
As noted, personality disorders may affect people both intrapersonally (how they experience, think or feel about themselves) and interpersonally (how they preceive and relate to others). As suggested, they may have disturbances in ways that distort their understanding of others’ motivations, intentions, or situations. These distortions in perception are likely to escape their notice or awareness; that is, they may have low insight into how internally the distortions orginate. And these distortions affect how people with personality disorders see and relate to themselves, others, and the world around them. (cf. DSM-5)
What makes Cluster B personality disorders rather difficult is that they share some characteristics and tendencies toward a) the dramatic & erratic; b) emotional instability; and c) some unpredictablity in ways that people think, react, or behave. This is why cluster B personality disorders are perhaps one of the greatest challenges to community life within congregational settings.
Again Cluster B includes “Big Personalities” (Narcisstic personality disorder); “Boundary-Pushing Parishoners” (Borderline personality disorder); and “Preying” (not praying… antisocial/sociopathic) people– dangerous, exploitative, predatory tendencies of behavior. By nature of being a personality disorder, these ways of being are persistent and enduring– not just “bad-day” behaviors, or behaviors that appear suddenly in someone’s lifespan.
Let’s first consider NPD. Folks with a narcisstic personality configuration tend toward grandiosity, that is, seeing themselves as superior to others. They often have a felt need for admiration from others. They also are characterized by a tendency to have or exhibit very low to no empathy for others. People who are in the wake of others with more severe NPD may feel manipulated, or may feel disoriented or confused about what they know to be true because of the conscious or unconscious gaslighting coming their way. There are wise responses and rather unwise reactions to NPD that clergy need to be aware of…
Those with borderline personality (BPD) configurations tend to be characterized by their instability– instability in their moods (swing); instabiltiy in their relationships (“i love you”/”i hate you”); and instability in their self-perception; instablity marked by impulsivity (binging on drugs, sex, spending– to fill a void; suicidality to get your attention). (Borderline personality disorder is not to be confused with bipolar disorder, of which the manic and depressive episodes can sometimes mimic borderline erradic tendences, but with different underlying causes.) Those who demonstrate a borderline personality configuration are likely to have had a tragic or traumatic early start in life. Clergy should be senstive to underlying emotional dynamics that are lived out by those who experience this disorder.
Finally those with antisocial tendencies are those who may want to hurt, use or exploit others, without empathy or regard to others’ welfare. When people exhibit dangerously antisocial tendencies within the congregation, strong boundaries need to be taken to protect members within the congregation. In an upcoming workshop, we’ll talk about the powerful role a Covenant of Respect can play in protecting parishioners from unwanted and inappropriate behaviors.
Each one of the Cluster B personality disorders have their own unique etiologies (or “origin stories,” if you will). And each one requires a different sets of responses. The good-enough pastor is a self-reflective and empathic pastor; it behooves the pastoral leader to understand the theoretical backdrops of each one well, in order to be able to respond with dove-like gentle empathy while practicing a serpentine wisdom.
Shepherd Heart has a workshop that trains pastors to recognize and respond to different “difficult personalities” that sometimes drive congregational leaders to consider leaving the pulpit, because they are overwhelmed and unsure of how to respond. (Someone with borderline personality tendencies may insatiably crave a pastor’s love and unique attention, for instance, And yet a response that is perhaps counterintuitive to the natural caretaker may be called for. Indeed, there is a comfort to be found in pastoral boundaries and excellent referrals to expand a parishoner’s circle of care.
Register for this workshop on behalf of your ministry team, on a Friday or Saturday, at noon pacific time (or arrange for another appointed time.)
If you cannot join us for a workshop, you may find a time for one-on-one pastoral care & consultation by contacting us.