Dear Shepherd Heart,
I’ll try to be brief about a long story: I’m the pastor of a small church in a small town. A few months ago, a parishioner (let’s call her “Suzy”) was talking to me about her increasing concern over her young child’s friend (let’s call him “Robby”) from the neighborhood who comes over to play on a regular basis. Suzy’s child, on the other hand, has never been over to Robby’s house, and Suzy the parishioner doesn’t have much of a relationship with Robby’s family. (They keep to themselves and don’t go to our church). Suzy told me that she started noticing big, differently colored bruises on Robby in areas where it’s strange for a kid to get bruised, like on his neck. Suzy said she asked Robby about the bruises, and after giving her a few explanations that didn’t make any sense, the boy reluctantly confided in Suzy that his parents sometimes grab him and hit him when they get really angry, and that that’s how he got bruised. Suzy told me that she didn’t know what to do, but that one thing is for certain: Suzy is NEVER ever going to let her own child go over to Robby’s house.
I thanked Suzy for telling me about Robby. I don’t know his family, either. I told Suzy that part of my role as a pastor is to keep kids safe, even the ones that don’t go to our church. (Like almost all pastors, I know I’m a mandated reporter of reasonably suspected child abuse.) I told Suzy that in situations where trusted adults, like doctors or teachers or pastors, become concerned that a child might be in danger, what they do is make a prompt report to child protective services to keep the child safe.
Suzy got nervous and started to beg me not to make a report about the neighbors, in this situation, because Suzy wasn’t “100% sure” that Robby wasn’t lying to her about how he got those bruises. Suzy also pleaded with me saying she was scared about “creating waves” in the neighborhood, and asked me to “please, please” not say anything to anyone. Suzy then got angry at me and asked: “Aren’t pastors supposed to keep everything parishioners tell them confidential?” She left me that day, still angry.
Regarding Robby, Shepherd Heart, I did end up making the report to child protective services; I feel at peace about this because it was the right thing to do. After I made the report to child protective services, I didn’t talk about it with anyone other than the authorities, but I overheard in the community that he and his siblings were removed from their parents’ home, and were brought to stay with their grandparents while Robby’s parents were required by the court to receive counseling and other supportive services.
Now, Shepherd Heart, we come to my pastoral problem: My problem is that Suzy felt betrayed by me, because she says I should have kept her story in confidence. She and her family stopped coming to the church. I know that church attendance has its ebbs and flows… but people, especially in Suzy’s social circles, have stopped showing up, and I sense a (mostly) unspoken tension. (I say “mostly” unspoken because an attendee told me to my face that he “couldn’t believe” I would have the nerve to “break up” a family in the community.) On the one hand, I feel at peace about having made the report, itself, but the consequence of doing what was right is that swaths of my church are really upset with me and seem to have left the church. What do I do now?
Respectfully yours,
“Feeling Alienated”
Dear Alienated,
First of all, I commend you. It makes me want to sing your praises out loud that you knew exactly what you had to do to protect “Robby” and his siblings. You wasted no time in bringing aid to him, his sibs, and hopefully also to his parents. Thank you, thank you. True leadership is hard. (And as you well know, “The Dead Prophets’ Society” keeps growing and growing.) You may not be hearing commendation from others, so I want you to hear it now: A good shepherd protects the most vulnerable in her care, and as the parable goes, sometimes that means going in the opposite direction from 99% of your flock. Well done, good [shepherd] and faithful servant.
But now you’re writing Shepherd Heart because you’ve arrived at a krisis in your church. Yes, that’s the New Testament word from which we derive our English word “crisis,” but it means something different… there’s another sense to a krisis in the Greek sense: You’re at a “decisive point” as a congregation. (The Gospel of John actually uses the word krisis to describe the very Incarnation… the decisive point in history as Christians understand it…. fodder for a future sermon…)
This is a pivotal time for your congregation to decide by its convictions and actions who it is going to be, as a church family. This is a “teaching moment” and here are some ideas that could help.
You want to help your congregation create an educated culture of care within itself. Shepherd Heart recommends to churches that they have a widely available educational pamphlet, as well as a prominent page on their websites about the scope and nature of their pastoral care practices, including the limits of confidentiality in pastoral care and counseling. It might be an opportunity to share your and your church’s understanding of pastoral care– what it is, and what it is not. (It’s not long-term psychotherapy, for instance.)
It might outline the duration of sessions at the outset. Some pastors find it good practice to name that they usually don’t see parishioners for more than, say, 3 to 5 pastoral care sessions. (Needing more might indicate a clinical need; and doing more can contribute to pastor burnout, especially when you’re caring for a whole flock! It might also lead to attrition…parishioners coming to church less… See David Benner’s Strategic Pastoral Counseling for more.)
It might include that pastoral care or pastoral counseling has its benefits as well as risks. (Confronting sin or addressing a difficult issue in their faith can be painful; Discipleship itself can be costly; premarital sessions might highlight issues that lead to deciding not to stay together, after all, etc. etc.)
Educating the congregation on pastoral care should include informing them of limits to confidentiality. You as pastor cannot (and should not) keep some things that are shared with you as confidential. It can be helpful for parishioners to know about these things. For instance, it’s good for parishioners to know that you as pastor will reach out to professional or emergency help if you feel that someone is at risk of harming themselves or someone else. You care about them and want them to stay safe. It is also important to let parishioners know that you are a mandated reporter for suspected child abuse and neglect– that you as pastor will make a report to keep kids, who could be in immediate danger, safe, and that you all together as Church aim to be a safe space for children. (No doubt you have child safety policies in place… that’s another issue!) Know that pastors in some states are also mandated reporters for suspected abuse or neglect of elderly people and dependent/vulnerable adults (such as severely disabled adults with conservators) … Let parishioners know where you anticipate needing to break confidentiality at the outset. [Note: Pastors should not report abuse of intimate partner violence when the victim is an independent and autonomous adult. That could further jeopardize the victim!… Victims of intimate parter violence who come to you as pastor for care need to be supported to connect with mental health professionals or social workers who are trained to help them make and strategize a safety plan… that’s another issue for another day.] An educational pamphlet on pastoral care/counseling can be useful for letting parishhioners know that you know your role as shepherd includes protecting these vulnerable folks in these ways. (Note: Not many of us come from traditions or polities that hold a high sacramental stance on taking Confession requiring absolute confidence and that would qualify as privileged “penitential communications” that exempt reporting duties… But could such an informational pamphlet on pastoral care and counseling that gives informed consent to parishioners offer clarity and serve as a waiver of such privileged communications? That’s a question and conversation to have with your congregation’s or conference’s legal advocate. …)
Furthermore, it can be good to inform parishioners that you routinely give parishioners referrals for helpers like licensed mental health professionals, if parishioners are struggling with issues that are outside of the scope of pastoral care– making such referrals is part of a good pastor’s care for their parishioners. It shows parishioners that you as the pastor demonstrate integrity by not stepping into areas where you have little training.
These are just some things to think about in creating a culture of care. Shepherd Heart walks churches through how to make their own pamphlets like this, from time to time, so you’re not having to do this all alone. Having such an educational pamphlet about pastoral care and counseling can be a way to say: these are some of the ways we as a pastoral team care for you and keep us as a church safe.
These are just a few thoughts (an inexhaustive list, to be sure) that might be helpful in educating your church, and helping you to cultivate a culture of care for one another.
Blessings to you, “Feeling Alienated”.
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Letters may be edited, compiled, composited, or fictionalized. Responses are for educational purposes only. They do not offer legal advice or psychological services of any kind.