Dear Shepherd Heart,
There is a strong belief that professionals in caring fields such as the pastorate are not to make friends within one’s area of work (as in, within the church). Yet, I have continually made friends in the church. Is there a way to have authentic friends both inside and outside the church? How should I manage them? And are there ways to deal with the grief of lost friendships in both categories?
Sincerely,
Let’s-Be-Friends
Dear Let’s-Be,
Just a quick point of clarification, first: Not all healing professions/caring fields share the same code of ethics (or legal prohibitions) with respect to making friendships within one’s scope of work. Psychologists, for instance, cannot be friends with their patients because doing so limits a psychologist’s capacity to be objective in a way that patients need them to be. Pastors are not psychologists. Different healing vocations handle “dual relationships” differently, and moreover different traditions have various polities and practices. It is good to be aware of yours. Generally speaking, though, there is not a prohibition against pastors having friendships within the church, like there is with some other caring professions. (There are, however, many polity mandates and even sometimes legal statutes against romantic relationships between a pastor and a parishioner, for good reasons… that’s a topic for another day. We are only addressing strictly platonic relationships, here.)
With respect to friendships in ministry, inside and outside of the church, however, there are some special considerations:
On the one hand, ministry can be a lonely vocation. Many in church leadership feel “set apart” from the wider community by virtue of their special role in congregational life. And sometimes parishioners don’t want to acknowledge their pastor’s humanness, frailties, or personal needs. You do need to have friends in your life where you can be emotionally cared for as a whole person in order to thrive in ministry. (I’m reminded that Jesus sent people out two-by-two, not one-by-one.)
Often, it is easier to have friends outside of the system (and by system, I mean your church’s family system, or even the system of the denomination/conference/polity/tradition). I encourage pastors to be intentional about investing in at least a handful of deeply meaningful relationships with wise and caring peers and mentors outside of your immediate church, and perhaps outside of your denominational contexts, at all times. This may be especially true for certain traditions. A decade ago, I taught a class for ministers who were part of a denomination that operated in itinerant ministry appointments (as in, the bishop rotated ministry appointments every few years or so). One minister said he hadn’t confided in anyone about his personal struggles for decades– not even in his very best friend who was also a colleague– because the minister could never be fully certain that his best friend in ministry wouldn’t someday become his bishop or superintendent, and subsequently hold the minister’s personal struggles against him when deciding upon future ministry appointments in the denomination. I felt the depth of the minister’s isolation as he shared this with the class, and encouraged him to “befriend a Mennonite!” […or fill-in-the-blank with any ecumenical colleague]. At all times, I would have no fewer than five good “outside” friends on my proverbial speed-dial.
But, Let’s-Be, you’re also talking about making and maintaining authentic friendships “inside” the church setting. I’m not the kind of person to suggest a black-and-white prohibition against all friendships inside the church. However, when making friends inside the church, there are special considerations. As a general note, it’s good to at least proceed with some caution when making “inside” friends.
Friendship with inside folks does represent a dual relationship. (You’re both their pastor and their friend; they’re both your friends who also collectively have the power to terminate your employment, etc.) It is important that steps are taken to minimize the likelihood that the dual relationship becomes harmful to anyone. You have to be very self-aware and reasonably cognizant of potential power dynamics and differentials, in both directions. Because of this complexity, your relationships with inside friends will require a kind of special emotional maturity that welcomes talking openly about the sometimes awkward and often difficult realities. When are you wearing the “friend hat,” vs. the “pastor hat,”?…. These are incredibly important conversations to have for the sake of clarity in your friendships with insiders. You always have to safeguard your parishioners from being harmed, used, or exploited in any way from any power differential in your friendship with them.
There are often limitations to your inside friendships. Your inside friends won’t often be the ones with whom you have the liberty to talk, even in a de-identified kind of way, about the everyday clerical dynamics that frustrate you within the church. You don’t want your emotional sharing to contribute to your friend’s disillusionment and attrition (that is, church non-attendance), as your everyday stressors or troubles may sour their subjective experience of their home church, and their participation in church life. (I’m sorry to say that this consideration may also sometimes apply to clergy spouses, as well, who attend the church where you serve. It impacts clergy spouses deeply to hear some of the pastoral nonsense that you as a clergyperson have to contend with, from someone on the other side of the pew, or from a member of the leadership team. It takes a lot of maturity and self-differentiation to not let these vicarious disappointments turn into cynicism or crises of faith for clergy spouses.) This consideration partly contributes to pastoral loneliness. This is where you really need to turn to your “outside” friends for support and comfort.
There is an extra burden of assessing the maturity level of each of your friendships on the inside. How self-differentiated are they? Do they have the maturity to know how important it is to hold your personal “stuff” in confidence when you are in a deeply, mutually sharing relationship? Some pastors save their deepest sharing with their outside friends. Do the inside friends understand church dynamics that are so second-nature to clergypeople, enough to handle them with appropriate sensitivity and lightness? When you find folks like this who really get it (like, say, another retired clergyperson), hold on to them.
Pastors have to be aware that parishioners in the church will see your friendships with others in the church, and they could experience a kind of “sibling rivalry,” or otherwise might feel hurt, rejected, or left out. Yes, pastors ideally offer agape love (kindness, care, human dignity, and fundamental respect) to everyone in the congregation. But philia love, if I can make such a distinction, is the gift of a kind of friendship chemistry –a connection and a special “click”– that others may experience as a “clique.” Be sensitive to the desires of church members who wish they were closer friends with you. In contrast to licensed therapists who only attend to the parental “transference” of one dear patient at a time, pastors get the parental transference of a whole congregation at once. Parishioners sometimes have unmet family-of-origin needs that they unconsciously project onto you and wish you, as their pastor, could fulfill. (Even our titles sometimes connote parenthood.) So, you must be thoughtful, with inside friendships, that some parishioners may feel rejected by your special closeness with some parishioners but not with others. Be ready to address that dynamic with loving-kindness and deep sensitivity, if you choose special inside friendships.
Pastors have to be very mindful that their friendships on the inside of the congregation don’t form divisions or divisiveness within the church body. I once knew a pastor who wrote emails to the half of his church who he felt were “on his side” in a point of conflict. If there are friendships, there can’t be favoritism, or else it creates a challenging and unhealthy dynamic in the church.
And then there are the disappointments, griefs, or betrayals when your friendships within the congregation don’t turn out well… or when they simply end in a sad but less dramatic way. You still have to wear your pastoral professionalism for former friends who may have done something to disappoint or even devastate you, or to break your trust completely. A clergyperson shared how her trusted relationships within the congregation went “south” in a painful way, and we discussed how beneficial it is that “love” and “like” are not on a continuum; we must be capable of loving people deeply whom we don’t always like. It’s part of pastoral maturity and integrity to be able to do so. Even Jesus was betrayed by someone in his inner circle with a kiss. It hurts, and it’s human to grieve the losses.
This is hard stuff, right? It’s understandable that some pastors refuse to form inside friendships. Consider among your outside confidants a licensed therapist who is sensitive to ministry issues, a soul care provider, or a spiritual director. (Maybe all three!) Consider those outside interpersonal resources for your clergy spouse, too, if that applies. There doesn’t need to be anything “wrong” in order to see a ministry-sensitive therapist; it’s just because pastoral work is one of the most interpersonally demanding vocations one can step into, by choice or by marriage.
Best wishes, Let’s-Be.
Dear Shepherd Heart,
As a highly relational person, friendships are crucial for me. I believe this is both a created personality trait in me, and I also believe that all humans are relational to some degree because we are created in the image of a Trinitarian God. This personality trait and theological belief have created a particular struggle for me… I’ve found that the modern church often values programs over relationships. Therefore, several of the churches I’ve served have measured me and found me lacking because I excel in relational work and not programmatic work. How do I choose ministries more suited to my nature and theology? And how do I deal with the perceived failure I’ve experienced when I’ve been judged/let go/etc. from programmatic ministries?
Thanks for your consideration,
Highly Relational Pastor
Dear Highly Relational,
I applaud your self-awareness. Your personality was made with its distinctives and uniqueness; you are valued and prized by God. As you know, identity is defining; it gives us limits. Knowing what we are —and what we are not— is part of our integrity, as people and as pastors. Embrace the gifts of your personal distinctives (that is, your limits), even as there are times we may be called upon to stretch and grow. Find the people and communities that will value the special pastoral gifts and skills that you uniquely bring to church life as a leader.
In a pastoral search, you, too, are making your own assessments as to the goodness of fit between your personality & pastoral gifts/skills with the needs and desires of a particular congregation. One way to do this is to be completely up-front and proudly own your traits and skillset, and to showcase your self-understanding with the search committees as you look for new churches to serve. Ask them if they share your practice of prioritizing relationships over programs. It sounds like you know that “programs-over-people” churches would be a miserable mismatch for you. That’s fine. You owe it to yourself and your vocational longevity not to wear shoes that don’t fit you, or else you’ll pinch your toes with every step forward with them. Yes, this does also limit your options. You might be better fit with churches that are either small enough to know everyone by name, or else with churches that are large enough to be resourced with a multi-leader staff where you might be permitted to specialize your time and attention to the spiritual formation, pastoral care, and personal transformation in the flock –which might be more life-giving to you, anyway, in consideration of your unique personality and pastoral inclinations.
It sounds like you have felt rejection in the dissolution of mismatched church appointments in the past. I understand the grief. Yet, there is no shame or condemnation for not fitting (or not wanting to fit) a “big programs” kind of ministry.
If you feel that you must take on a congregation that isn’t the best fit for you because of your current life circumstances (finances/geography etc.), it’s good to be up-front and honest with your search committees about how it’s not an absolutely perfect fit, and you might consider negotiating a more interim kind of appointment, trusting that there are also communities out there who long for just what you bring, at the right time.
May it go well for you, Highly Relational.
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